Everybody Does This Once in a While…It’s Completely Normal According to Google.

I’m currently listening to a loop of my “Away-from-Home” playlist that includes:

• I Just Love You by Five for Fighting
• The Only Place I Call Home by Every Avenue
• The Dawson’s Creek Theme Song by Dido
• Happily Ever After by He is We
• Our July In The Rain by He is We
• Found By You by Britt Nicole
• All About Us by He is We
• What I know by Parachute
• Superman by Five for Fighting
• Superman by Ronan Keating

And a lot others that’s good for about an hour. While looking at photos on my computer screen.

Photo from summerdreamin on Instagram

 

 

 

I could never get back to those days. It’s part of the hundred things I chose to let go for the future ahead. I guess if there’s one thing you couldn’t hold on to forever is our youth and all the happiness that there is about being carefree. I miss my freedom. Becoming a better person is a tough job, today I realized I might eventually lose myself in the process, but I’m thinking that tomorrow, I might change my mind about what I am actually saying right now, so for the mean time I’m documenting the moment I had second thoughts about it.

On Planning A Journey to Solitude; Rome

I never planned ahead for the belief of the increased likelihood of it not pushing through, But Yes, Rome. One of the most romantic places on earth, A perfect place for solitude I guess, no matter how ironic that sounds.

 

I am hoping to be able to manage everything so I can get there by the end of this year or since I hate winter, probably early summer next year. Thank God for being just a few hours away from it, an advantage of working in a Mediterranean Country is that you get to be very close by to Europe.

 

Of all places, why Rome? I’ve always wanted to go to Japan where Cherry Blossoms are like Mango Trees. Fact is, I really hate travelling, and the idea of flights and very long road trips but I find it necessary to conquer all that I hated, to start doing everything I never liked doing. Rome is the nearest starting point to becoming the change I wanted to become. I have always believed that there isn’t a lot that needed to be changed in me, I have a loving family, a bunch of genuine friends, I have a good number of people that loves me as compared to those who probably loathes me, but changing is a constant thing and I always have an urge to becoming a better person, maybe that includes doing a better work and coming to better places.

 

I always have a huge attraction to the color of sunset and fire, amber, warm and dark city lights. The ambiance of ancient buildings, great architecture, strong, huge pillars while having a cup of coffee and breathing in cold Western air. Well, the cold Western air wasn’t there originally, but yeah since were talking about Rome, I squeezed it in anyway.

 

I’m thrilled about my idea of Rome. I’ll probably come to Japan too, but that’s when I’m already about to die, so there wouldn’t be any other choice but to bury me under a Cherry Tree. Japan to me, is a sanctuary, or maybe Cherry Blossom trails are, I just so happen to be confusing it with Japan. Anyhow, Rome will be Rome when I get there. The Land of the Rising Sun can always wait just exactly how every morning comes and goes and how we always look forward to another day.

 

The Making of a Spinster

Once upon a time I was 15 years old. I was in highschool. There was this guy with a really beautiful name I can barely spell, back then I would’ve called it a relationship. But now that I am 25 years old, I prefer calling it a fling. He cheated on me with this girl, I clearly remember the name; Dana, or I thought he did, so young as I was I nagged myself out of the picture. He was really good at volleyball, frontman, spiker. Not a looker,not smart, just thought he was hot,that was all. He’s dead now. Literally.

 

And then I became 16, that was a year after, I’ve known the first love of my young life. For two years weve been friends, casual late night talks, apparently it lasted for 11 months after weve decided to be in a relationship. Worse moments of my life, the biggest challenge was moving on from it. For almost 2 years, I never looked at anything else but how bitter life can be after your first nightmare. I clearly remember that night I thought he cheated on me, I tried to hold my tears back but it just bursted out like a waterhose. I cried like a toddler snatched out from the playground, it woke my parents up and they darted down to where I was and of course, worried as they may be they asked the golden question: WHY. The first thing that came out of my mouth was; “I didn’t finish my project due for tomorrow.”It sounded very reasonable for them since I was in a top class, a little nerdy and I freak out when I get very frustrated regardless how little it was about. I was young then, I dont have a very good control of my emotions.

 

The even worst part does not end with that. My sister had a relationship with a guy for i think almost eight years or so, they broke up eventually and the guy comitted suicide and dead for I think 3 to 4 years now. It was a family dilemma since he’s been a part of us for a very long time that my parents feel like they have another son. He comes home every Sunday even if my sister’s not home, my parents cook his favorite dishes,my mother asks how he’s been and he would drink with my father. It broke everybody’s heart, not just my sister’s, but my mother’s worst of all. I can hear my mother cry at night like she’s lost her own child. Worst pain ever. It hurts like hell it can never be compared to how It felt like when it was my heart that was broken. After that, for the first time in my entire drinking life, I got really drunk I don’t remember what happened yesterday, if I had sex with anyone and got pregnant I would never remember who the father was. But luckily, I was a nerd. I drink at home, or at least a very close friend’s house.

 

Ive been single since then, so as my other friends, but of course regardless of that fact’s relation to what I am about to say, I say it anyway as part of my defense mechanism. lol.I’ ve grown up even if it doesn’t look like it physically, and I admire how I feel about relationships now as compared to how I feel about it when I was 20. I look at men and see the likes of them becoming my children’s father. So far, I haven’t pictured anybody yet for that photoframe, but I’m hopeful, I pray that he’s good enough to deserve my faith. I am happy that it takes years for me to find love again, that way, I can be certain that when it comes, it will be too late for me to change my mind to settle for good.

 

Here I am 25 years old, all the sweetness I have when I was still a little girl have all vanished with age. The challenge after getting your heart broken for the first time is picking yourself up from it and believing that “Love is sweeter the second time around”. I’ve seen people in cloud nine today and wake up in despair the next day but its not a good enough reason to stop believing in forever after.

Discovering the Minds beyond Thought Disorders

They always say:

 

But what if the rain never stops?and it decided to drown everything in that gloomy dark water beneath those angry dark clouds? I’ve seen it happen before. It could happen again.

 

Sometimes you feel lonely inside no matter how well-loved you are. It feels so lonely that nobody seem to think exactly how you do. Nobody seem to know how to connect the dots. To understand you when you try not to speak.

 

Who are these people? You can’t recognize their way of speech. Their thought patterns are too different, you can’t relate, you can’t speak to them because they will misunderstand you.

 

I used to enjoy conversations. I don’t want to speak any more than what work requires me to say.

 

A dear friend I know would say this… if I say that. But why the hell is she reacting that way? why would she respond like that when the appropriate response is like what my dear friend would say.

 

And I feel so sad about it. But maybe this is what they say about growing up, they perfectly call it Maturity.

 

I can perfectly picture pinkish petals falling from its trees, like breathing, it removes the impulses away from me. I want to live under it against the tangerine skies. If only that is possible. I would give up my heart for it.

 

But Physics is too smart. It’s nothing like what I was taught. or what I thought I was taught.

 

 

I just miss talking to my friends. They are spontaneous and…

 

 

After all, by the end of the day…

 

Will always give you back your inner drive because…

 

Battling the Fear of Intimacy

 

It’s not very surprising that I am alarmed by the fact that I am incapable of creating an intimate relationship with both the same and opposite sex. I am at an age where the Psycho-social task I am apt to complete so happen to be Intimacy Vs. Isolation if we are to base it on Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages. One thing I’ve noticed though is the fact that for the past couple of years even prior to entering young adulthood, I already find it very difficult to be very open,to give full disclosure, to fully trust and rely on anyone outside my family circle. I’ve been observing myself and I noticed It has been an instinct for me to move away from people who seem to make the strongest connections. Loss is a big part of it. The battle of the odds is second. Fear of unexpected pregnancy,third. Lack of confidence with others resulting from being very self reliant. And perhaps the worst part, I’ve developed my own capabilities so much that I wanted to meet someone that is much better than me. I have always ignored this for long, but I am now approaching an age when marriage seem to be a measure of a woman’s capability, when bringing up a family seem to have become a meaning to life existence. I know there’s a solution, and that is what makes this a problem.

 

Save the Impression of the Middle East

It’s not just any other Muslim Country. It’s Saudi Arabia baby!

 

I like it here. I’ve always said that the very moment I laid my feet on the holy ground of this country. I must say I never felt extremely lonely unlike what I expected when I got here.

This is the first time I’m writing again since my arrival a month and three weeks ago. I wanted to have a feel of the country, the ambiance, the culture, how it is to live among them which is an overstatement as I really don’t live among them, I still live in a Filipino-cultured small community here which is apparently growing faster than expected. LOL

I am a Nurse at a private hospital. Our Nursing Director is a Filipino, so as I can say 90% of the Nursing Staff, so the environment is easy to adapt with as we all know how things work among us. That’s one part of why I don’t feel lonely. Second, I didn’t know anyone before getting here, but thank Allah I came across easy-going people as housemates, there had been some tensions and a few fights lately, but nevertheless, I’m lucky. Third, my sister is here so the sense of Security has never felt this good as I always feel safe when somebody else is accountable to me (talking like I’m still a minor not accountable of myself).

Anyway, apart from the primary reasons why I’m staying happy as I am since my arrival here is this:

Yes! that’s sunset. It looks so much home to me and I just love it as much as I love the comforts of a warm weather, but I must admit the sunsets here better if we are to disregard the surroundings and just focus on the sun alone. It looks like the sun is just right next door. It looks like a flame right across that road.

And, would you believe if I say oil can evaporate and make its own version of Aurora Borealis in the Middle East? Take a look at this.

This is totally not Photoshopped or something. This is how the sky actually looked like one sunny afternoon. I am not sure what gases are involved in the Northern Lights phenomenon, I’m not even sure its proper to call it that way, but anyway, this is not better than the latter but its still awesome and never saw it anywhere before (Like I’ve gone a lot of places). I don’t know exactly how this happened to that great blue sky, all I can think of this oil-rich country had somewhere else to put oil on to by maybe, Evaporation? LOL

 

This is a rich country, Quality is of importance since they can afford it. Infrastructures, well, they think about it that much.

Pardon me for not bringing justice to what I am trying to illustrate as this photos are just taken from my 8MP Sony Xperia phone. Going back to the story, there are a lot more buildings that looked very different from those I usually see. And by the way, this is the famous Kingdom Tower here in Riyadh, at the top of it is the Skybridge where you could enjoy a view of the entire city.

 

Which is again, unjustified by my amateur photo. But couple it with your own imagination I’m pretty sure you could work that picture out.

 

One more thing I admire in this country, all my prayers come true lightning-faster than before. For some reason I felt like I am definitely at a holy land, I feel at peace like maybe I am really born to be here. I look at Mosques exactly how I look at our churches. They are not exactly similar but I feel the same way about them for some reason.

 

I never felt strange in here. It’s not because of my adaptability. There is definitely something here that makes me feel at ease and comfortable, whatever it is, I’m not only excited but I’m also pretty certain its gonna be worth all that I have left and will be missing for the next couple of years.

Guess this is Goodbye and Hello?

A bad title.

It’s not that I’m never coming back. Good Bye is inappropriate, but what else is the better way to put it when you’re leaving your country, your home?

I’m still not so in the mood for crying. I’m doing good as far as the anxiety is concerned. I’m headed for the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia tomorrow, where my sister is and thousands of other people with the same profession as I am are. Yes! you guessed it right! I am a Registered Nurse and apparently, my own country is not profession-friendly enough to start a career.

Let’s see, Riyadh is about five thousand miles from here. According to my flight details, it’s gonna take me 10 long hours of a direct flight to get there. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping to be seated next to a window. I badly need to see how the sunset looks like on top of those puffy clouds.

 

Talk about expectations;

I am hoping that its gonna turn out differently for me as compared to how it did to most people. I do trust a lot of people’s opinion of things as they are pretty much accurate if we are to base it to statistics, fact that its “what most people say” is already undeniable. I, on the other hand, may have a different impression as always.

 

The country is completely Muslim. I was born a Christian, to a God-fearing family. I do not see it a barrier when it comes to family matters as filial love is not in anyway related to religion, so does parents to their children. The issue maybe when it comes to culture and tradition, Religion is far of better weight to it as compared to Racism. I would be completely, provided that I abide the law, sober for the next two years. I can’t mingle with men, which are apparently a lot more easy to befriend than women and the saddest part, I can’t and should never walk alone, which is hard, as its one of the few moments I use to redeem myself whenever frustration seem to devour my inner core.

 

The Abaya and Tarha is not at all an issue. I’m pretty much conservative, I like the fact that men cannot dare look at you lustfully. It’s just a bummer though, for a place like that pretty, you can’t pose in short shorts or skirts and post it on Instagram or Facebook. Nevertheless, people would be seeing you in, uhm black here and in black there.

The first photo I’m expecting to take upon landing is a picture of the country’s best asset. Sand. I like how the dessert looks, I bet sunset and sunrise looks better on that.

 

I’m worried, that’s implied. I’m ready, that’s semi-implied. I’m anxious, yes, but my brain is trained to repress it at early onset.

 

However this adventure turns out, all that I probably want is that this experience will help me improve my view of life and hopefully become a better person.

Whoever Invented Farewell Sucks.

Yeah I suck at it too.

 

Today, I make another life-changing decision. I know that the moment I walk out that door, I can no longer turn back. There were at least ten attempts on this goodbye moment before I was finally able to make it happen. I did feel like losing all the strength to empty my locker, to walk my steps away from the hall,to look at people in the eye and say the word that could launch a thousand more of that same word.

 

I have programmed my brain about how life is about people coming and going, I should never feel bad about it,how come I feel this way? Back in college, they thought us about how separation anxiety passes after the toddler years, again, how come I feel this way? I know the answer but I wanted to ask, maybe It’ll make it feel better.

 

I tried my best not to look at all corners, all walls, the hall, the door, the view out the window.

 

As I walk apart from people I may never be able to see again, I feel like my head’s gonna burst from stopping my tears from falling down like rain.

 

I feel miserable. This is suppose to be triumphant.

 

There’s no going back now. All that’s left is moving forward. I’m starting to realize this is how it feels as we advance in age. We lose a lot in favor of having something more to gain. Equivalent Trade. I’ve always believed in that principle. I prayed a lot that this is all worth what I’m gonna lose. Freedom, happiness, access to loved ones, my graceful years, amazing strangers.

 

I feel miserable. I feel like I’m floating in the air looking at myself move around, breathe, write while wiping all the tears falling on the keyboard.

 

She looks too sad. Too broken beyond any reasonable repairs and continues to break and mend, break and mend.

 

I wanna ask why Life is a cycle, just like everything in this world is, and yeah, why does even the world revolves around its own orbit?

 

I feel miserable. And so my defense mechanisms are way up high, All I wanna do is ask Why.

 

Apparently, I may not be able to find any reason just yet. Guess it will stay this way for now and I’ll just have to bear with it.

Break-a-Law

I have a compulsive nature when it comes to obeying established norms and rules. There were times when I feel the urge to break them but my obedient alter ego just can’t take it. I’m afraid of being penalized one way or another as I am a believer of Karma. Good,bad and digital. So in lieu of my not-so-successful dream of becoming an outlaw, I have established myself some rules to break, some are written on a piece of paper or any kinds of surface, some I might’ve sworn not to break and even affixed my signature on it. This is just Part 1.

 

I am yet to break the first one this month. If I succeed I’ll write Part 2.

 

A Letter To My Unconceived Child II