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100 Days to a Shot at Happiness

 

 

It’s been 630 days of worries, hardwork, tears, hard feelings and sadness.

 

It’s not at all that bad. I did achieve my goal of becoming a better person by being here. I may have had worsen my bad attitudes, but at least I appreciate the smallest and simplest things I had before I lost all of them temporarily, I learned to put another person’s concern ahead of mine and that’s a sign that I’ve changed. People come and go, there were a lot who went ahead of me, they all seem to be happy escaping from the despair in this place, in this institution. My job is bittersweet, it pays incredibly little compared to the workload, but in reality, people don’t seek for money all the time. Even if one thing pays very little, if it makes people happy, there’s no much reason a lot of people will leave. Afterall, happiness is always the key to saying we all have lived a good life, at least to me, that’s all I need.

100 Days.

I can finally count the days without a sigh. Since this day came, I feel better each time I step into the halls of my workplace. I got this relief I’ve been dying to have. Even if work’s still a messy hell of a place, I find laughing and smiling easier to do than it was compared to when I was counting a lot days more. Finally, I will have another shot at happiness. I may not have professional gratification, but I have self accomplishment, simply by being able to feed myself and others at times. By being able to push others to become better than their old self is enough regardless of the method I used, it’s gratifying enough that even if a lot of people hates me for my ways and my choice of words, I know one day they would realize I am not who I am outside my job. Nobody knows me well anyway, it should not hurt not to be missed when I’m gone.

 

I’m gonna be fulfilling one of my 2-year old bucket lists: CAMPING!!

Paradiso, La Union. I feel safe getting drunk here. So might as well put up that tent I haven’t bought yet and set off for a night camp.

Paradiso Beach Resort

 

 

Paradiso Beach Resort

 

 

I am that person who likes going back home after each long journey. The value of time being at home becomes more precious when you’ve been away for a while. I’m excited to wake up at 6 am to my own coffee cup back home, sitting back waiting for sunrise with my 2-years older parents.

 

Haaaaahh! It’s a long ride back home, but there’s probably nothing I wouldn’t give up for this view.

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Home is truly where the Heart is.

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I hate you.

 

I wanna say it a million times hoping that all the feelings would be gone.

 

It was so bad enough that you’ve taken me for granted. How did you manage even breaking my heart?

 

All this time I haven’t been talking to you, I’ve been watching the list of shows I make while we talk. Those that you’ve mentioned that I haven’t watched. I almost finished the cartoon series of Avatar. I even watched Marley and Me despite the fact I hate watching sad puppy stories, just so I could better understand the things that interests you. I’ve read stuffs about your job, so I could relate to whatever gibberish you’re telling me. Your picture was still my wallpaper. All your messages are intact. All Because I was hoping so much you’re just waiting for my anger to subside. And that you know I would always be the first one to step up and clear the air.

 

What did you do? What did I do to deserve this?

 

I hate you. I hate you so much I want to pull out that part of my brain that remembers how you laugh, how you frown, how you close your eyes and try to sleep. I hate you for all the tears that I cried last night, for the tears that are falling down right now on my keyboard. I hate you, because I skipped taking my pills and now I have a terrible menstrual cramps. I hate you because I have still have to go to work with my puffy eyes,

 

I hate you for hating God right now. I begged him not to let me know or see that you’ve found someone else. I begged him to spare me from this kind of pain. I can’t believe how much I’ve fallen from you that I took 20milligrams of Montelukast and 30mg of Remeron just so I could fall asleep, and I also hate you because I did that. I hate you that my sister cooked and brought me food but I can’t eat.

 

I just hate you and that hurts so much you can be rest assured I will never forgive you.