Halfway through the gloomy skies of a long winter, in a place where the sun never shines regardless of the weather. My thoughts are far away from where my exhausted body lay.
“What did you see in this place?Honestly,
there is nothing here…”
An old man once said,he reeked of alcohol and sounded like he desperately looked for an answer for quite sometime himself.
It was already late, I was on my way to the bus stop after going out to escape my solitary confinement in the four walls of my own loneliness. The man looked like he was in his 70’s. He initiated a conversation by asking if I was a student for which I answered No and he seconded with complimentary remarks on how young I looked for the kind of job I said I do. He made it known how he is well aware that I could’ve gotten the same job at a better place before he asked me the baffling question for which he tried to answer himself. I could barely remember what kinds of excuses I came up with for coming here(basically because I did not think about it) apart from the fact that I told him how much affinity I have with the beach.
We happen to be living in the same area so we took the same bus and he was very cordial to ask if he could be seated next to me.
“and I remember through the short conversation how
much I did not want to hear how lonely his life has been.”
I have never felt this lonely. But when I do, I look back and try to remember how the old man looked and sounded as he narrates how, at his age, he does everything on his own, including going out for a drink. I can’t imagine how lonelier life can get for some people. I am only lonely for a very literal reason, I am far away from home. The old man never moved, he is exactly in the same place where he was born and raised, where he and his friends and family lived, but how much do people understand about being alone? about being lonely?
I want to stop Leaving. I want to be in a place where I can come home to and actually feel like I am home. I wanna make more friends but I am afraid of making connections I could hardly terminate. Intimacy fears me more than anything else. Or maybe it’s not intimacy I am frightened of, perhaps its the possibility of loss, because FYI, here’s a cliche, Nothing lasts forever.
You don’t have any idea how it is to be really lonely until you actually become alone.
And it’s extremely sad to realize how much you are misunderstood by the people who you actually thought knows you best.
Seem so young yet it feels so old. Regret makes me feel a lot like a human. Most of the tears I cried is because of the things I wish I did and did not do sooner. I wonder how older it can get, and how much more regret I’m gonna reminisce later on.
How I wish I have started to fix my life earlier. I would’ve become a better person sooner. It’s cliché to say, “it’s better late than never”, It’s a phrase that never actually belonged to my life’s mantra (because I hate being late) but still, It’s better late than never. I guess it’s just so sad that I could’ve realized how it is to be genuinely kind sooner.
Kind. Sigh. Indeed, it was never a word used to describe myself by the people who has never experienced walking with me everyday. But right at this moment, I am very much convinced that I contain that genuine character deep within my hollow heart. I realized why I developed Anxiety at this age. Back then, I never knew why I am bothered by small things like other people throwing their garbage everywhere, why some people choose to ignore old people struggling through the halls unaccompanied, why they don’t mind helping people pick up dropped items or carry heavy loads along the way. Or why they refuse to do things that would be of benefit to others than to themselves. Helping doesn’t take a lot of guts to do. It only requires you to be human, so I wonder, why do I regret not making small things for other people even if it could only make their life better for one second?
I started becoming conscious of my environment lately despite of my i-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, and became more aware of how a small act of kindness could change the life of somebody even just for a day. I am not very good at saying nice things though, I am well aware of how rude I am or my choice of words are, It’s not something I look forward to changing anytime either, as my Life’s mantra includes; “People learn the hard way.” Thus, for a human to not forget, it has to leave either an incredibly precious memory,or a hurtful one. I choose to say hurtful words to not only make myself feel better,but to make people remember. Sooner or later, they will realize why you said those words anyway, it’s always better to make them hate me now, and thank me later.
Kindness. It doesn’t always present itself in a lovely gift box, but I am thankful that I may be composed of 90 percent evil, but at least the last 10 percent emits like a ray of sunshine after a very cloudy day for other people. I thank my patients, who expresses their genuine gratitude at the very least expected moments of my life, for asking God to bless me and for saying “You are very kind.” over and over that I eventually became that person. Indeed, being a Nurse is not only a job,but a calling. I may not be a good person in general, but at least, around those in great need, I somehow, even just for a split second,become that hope they seek in humanity.
Jessie J once told you through her song “Who You Are”, Why are you doing doing this to yourself? It’s okay not to be okay. Just be true to who you are.
This world is selfish, it’s gonna rip you out of all the good things you believe you have in you. Why not give everything to them, so you could pass away and let them live until the end of the world where all the misery awaits to unfold in a single day?
You are losing faith. Everything, no matter how small, doesn’t seem to fit in to place.You can barely hold yourself and your life together, why try to change everything? Every year, you look forward to that one day promised to be a better day. You can barely see it. Maybe because your eyes are clouded with tears every time, but could also be because somebody else has already robbed you off your own opportunity. You stopped appreciating all small acts of kindness. You stopped appreciating sunrise and sunset. That every time you see it, the only thing you loved in this place, you burst into tears of regrets. You regret that you decided to come back and change your fate, you regret that you came back to relive the bad experience hoping that it can be a better memory. Be done being here. You have to go, only then, maybe, you could be truly happy.
Your 2016 Self begging you to let go of things you can never change.
English can be very difficult.
I have read about 3 articles online about how to write a Sonnet, so far, I have learned that the patterns for the Octave can be ABAB CDCD or ABBA ABBA depending on the type of Sonnet someone is trying to achieve and that each lines should comprise an Iambic pentameter that is quite difficult for me to achieve if I will be taking into account all the technicalities and the fact that it has to be of a stressed,unstressed syllable or short and long syllable patterns and something like that. I appreciate how people call Shakespeare a genius poet because he is indeed. I am deliberately leaving this incomplete as I feel uninspired of how difficult it is to put someone’s feelings into a beautiful writing.