Once upon a time I was 15 years old. I was in highschool. There was this guy with a really beautiful name I can barely spell, back then I would’ve called it a relationship. But now that I am 25 years old, I prefer calling it a fling. He cheated on me with this girl, I clearly remember the name; Dana, or I thought he did, so young as I was I nagged myself out of the picture. He was really good at volleyball, frontman, spiker. Not a looker,not smart, just thought he was hot,that was all. He’s dead now. Literally.
And then I became 16, that was a year after, I’ve known the first love of my young life. For two years weve been friends, casual late night talks, apparently it lasted for 11 months after weve decided to be in a relationship. Worse moments of my life, the biggest challenge was moving on from it. For almost 2 years, I never looked at anything else but how bitter life can be after your first nightmare. I clearly remember that night I thought he cheated on me, I tried to hold my tears back but it just bursted out like a waterhose. I cried like a toddler snatched out from the playground, it woke my parents up and they darted down to where I was and of course, worried as they may be they asked the golden question: WHY. The first thing that came out of my mouth was; “I didn’t finish my project due for tomorrow.”It sounded very reasonable for them since I was in a top class, a little nerdy and I freak out when I get very frustrated regardless how little it was about. I was young then, I dont have a very good control of my emotions.
The even worst part does not end with that. My sister had a relationship with a guy for i think almost eight years or so, they broke up eventually and the guy comitted suicide and dead for I think 3 to 4 years now. It was a family dilemma since he’s been a part of us for a very long time that my parents feel like they have another son. He comes home every Sunday even if my sister’s not home, my parents cook his favorite dishes,my mother asks how he’s been and he would drink with my father. It broke everybody’s heart, not just my sister’s, but my mother’s worst of all. I can hear my mother cry at night like she’s lost her own child. Worst pain ever. It hurts like hell it can never be compared to how It felt like when it was my heart that was broken. After that, for the first time in my entire drinking life, I got really drunk I don’t remember what happened yesterday, if I had sex with anyone and got pregnant I would never remember who the father was. But luckily, I was a nerd. I drink at home, or at least a very close friend’s house.
Ive been single since then, so as my other friends, but of course regardless of that fact’s relation to what I am about to say, I say it anyway as part of my defense mechanism. lol.I’ ve grown up even if it doesn’t look like it physically, and I admire how I feel about relationships now as compared to how I feel about it when I was 20. I look at men and see the likes of them becoming my children’s father. So far, I haven’t pictured anybody yet for that photoframe, but I’m hopeful, I pray that he’s good enough to deserve my faith. I am happy that it takes years for me to find love again, that way, I can be certain that when it comes, it will be too late for me to change my mind to settle for good.
Here I am 25 years old, all the sweetness I have when I was still a little girl have all vanished with age. The challenge after getting your heart broken for the first time is picking yourself up from it and believing that “Love is sweeter the second time around”. I’ve seen people in cloud nine today and wake up in despair the next day but its not a good enough reason to stop believing in forever after.