I am scared.
Sometimes I want to tell people that. Or at least tell someone that I am that person who is not afraid to jump off a cliff, or confront a furious dog, or be alone in the dark but I am afraid. The problem is, how do I tell them that I don’t know what exactly I am scared about.
I don’t fear things that normal people would do, I don’t fear death, illness, failing an exam, not being accepted, direct threat, smell of danger, heights, painful procedure, being forgotten, being lonely. No, and that’s what is making it difficult to admit I am scared. I do fear one absolute thing though; LOSS.
But I don’t think I’m about to lose something or someone right now, that is not exactly what’s making me uneasy. There is just a part of me that’s making me feel like I don’t want to do anything for the fear of undesirable outcomes. It feels like something is about to happen, and it’s going to be pretty bad. thinking about what I am feeling also makes me really anxious about how I may have uncontrolled psychological dilemma, that all my useless fretting maybe a result of ANXIETY. Let me check on myself, do I tremble? do I stop talking to people and worry about things on my own? do I have troubles falling asleep or does something wake me up in the middle of the night lately? do I sweat for no apparent reasons? do I have fine tremors with no cause? have I been losing my interpersonal relationships lately? do I feel or do my friends feel like I’m starting to become detached? What are the other symptoms? I am not sure. Why am I not sure?
I maybe overthinking, this maybe hormones, is it that time of the month yet? Am I slowly losing control of my own intellect and emotions? Is this triggered by something, a news? an event? Am I going crazy? or probably in denial? DENIAL. My brain must be trying so hard to suppress some fearsome memories that in the process makes me forget what I’m actually afraid of. I think I may need HELP.