Seem so young yet it feels so old. Regret makes me feel a lot like a human. Most of the tears I cried is because of the things I wish I did and did not do sooner. I wonder how older it can get, and how much more regret I’m gonna reminisce later on.
How I wish I have started to fix my life earlier. I would’ve become a better person sooner. It’s cliché to say, “it’s better late than never”, It’s a phrase that never actually belonged to my life’s mantra (because I hate being late) but still, It’s better late than never. I guess it’s just so sad that I could’ve realized how it is to be genuinely kind sooner.
Kind. Sigh. Indeed, it was never a word used to describe myself by the people who has never experienced walking with me everyday. But right at this moment, I am very much convinced that I contain that genuine character deep within my hollow heart. I realized why I developed Anxiety at this age. Back then, I never knew why I am bothered by small things like other people throwing their garbage everywhere, why some people choose to ignore old people struggling through the halls unaccompanied, why they don’t mind helping people pick up dropped items or carry heavy loads along the way. Or why they refuse to do things that would be of benefit to others than to themselves. Helping doesn’t take a lot of guts to do. It only requires you to be human, so I wonder, why do I regret not making small things for other people even if it could only make their life better for one second?
I started becoming conscious of my environment lately despite of my i-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, and became more aware of how a small act of kindness could change the life of somebody even just for a day. I am not very good at saying nice things though, I am well aware of how rude I am or my choice of words are, It’s not something I look forward to changing anytime either, as my Life’s mantra includes; “People learn the hard way.” Thus, for a human to not forget, it has to leave either an incredibly precious memory,or a hurtful one. I choose to say hurtful words to not only make myself feel better,but to make people remember. Sooner or later, they will realize why you said those words anyway, it’s always better to make them hate me now, and thank me later.
Kindness. It doesn’t always present itself in a lovely gift box, but I am thankful that I may be composed of 90 percent evil, but at least the last 10 percent emits like a ray of sunshine after a very cloudy day for other people. I thank my patients, who expresses their genuine gratitude at the very least expected moments of my life, for asking God to bless me and for saying “You are very kind.” over and over that I eventually became that person. Indeed, being a Nurse is not only a job,but a calling. I may not be a good person in general, but at least, around those in great need, I somehow, even just for a split second,become that hope they seek in humanity.