Dear you, You are not The One. At least the current you isn't. That much I know now. That this feelings I have are lingering feelings of acceptance, From the years long of wasteful denial. I cannot see the future with you in it anymore No matter how I try to envision it. My heart has wavered not once, not ten times, A hundred times. And each time I tried to deny it at least a thousand times. You push me ten times farther each time I move half a step closer. It is exhausting. I am already tired. If you cannot see through me, There is no way to know my heart. My heart does not speak. It feels. I cannot remember the day I stopped dreaming about you. Or at least force myself into believing it's you I'm dreaming of. I just wished you have walked away, When you don't have any intentions of keeping up anyway. Please know, through the years of coming to terms with the closure, I have never stopped trying to chop wood to throw into the fire To try and keep my feelings burning. But nature has it's way of keeping the trees alive. Rain came. And so is this reality, That this woman has stopped loving you.
I have lost it’s meaning. Is happiness momentary?does it last seconds?minutes?hours? Maybe days?years? is there even an eternity to it?
Should I find new love?new religion?new job?new place?
I don’t remember the last time I actually laughed. I don’t know that version of myself anymore, if there ever was one. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard I could cry, and that thought alone makes me sad.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a perfect life. But then again, perfection doesn’t necessarily bring joy.
Don’t get me wrong. I am content with my life, so much blessed I cannot complain. But then again, content does not bring joy.
Where is happiness in the everyday that I wait for my daily life to end so I can start again tomorrow? Where is it in between the times I wait for days, weeks, months, years to start anew so I could get over and done with it again?
Regardless of achievements, material gain, new friends, health, happy family, I still think of when my lifespan will finally reach it’s toll. I neither have desires to end it, nor live it for a long time. I am just tired of living my life.
At which point can we be truly happy?
I’m afraid to let you go. I’m afraid that if I forget how hurtful it is to know you died out of too much pain, I will be absolved. I never wanted to be vindicated because I am so guilty. I know that there is nothing I could’ve done to stop you from dying. It was an accident. But I regret so much that I couldn’t make it easier for you.
I have come so far since you passed. I have achieved quite a lot in life but none of it made me genuinely happy. I know I would have to let you go if I want to have a peace of mind. I know I have to forget the feelings without fear of losing the memories If I want to beat the sadness that is slowly consuming me.
Maybe one day. Maybe someday.
To Bon and Mai, In the Near Future.
Source: My Best Man Speech
To Bon and Mai, In the Near Future.
Halfway through the gloomy skies of a long winter, in a place where the sun never shines regardless of the weather. My thoughts are far away from where my exhausted body lay.
“What did you see in this place?Honestly,
there is nothing here…”
An old man once said,he reeked of alcohol and sounded like he desperately looked for an answer for quite sometime himself.
It was already late, I was on my way to the bus stop after going out to escape my solitary confinement in the four walls of my own loneliness. The man looked like he was in his 70’s. He initiated a conversation by asking if I was a student for which I answered No and he seconded with complimentary remarks on how young I looked for the kind of job I said I do. He made it known how he is well aware that I could’ve gotten the same job at a better place before he asked me the baffling question for which he tried to answer himself. I could barely remember what kinds of excuses I came up with for coming here(basically because I did not think about it) apart from the fact that I told him how much affinity I have with the beach.
We happen to be living in the same area so we took the same bus and he was very cordial to ask if he could be seated next to me.
“and I remember through the short conversation how
much I did not want to hear how lonely his life has been.”
I have never felt this lonely. But when I do, I look back and try to remember how the old man looked and sounded as he narrates how, at his age, he does everything on his own, including going out for a drink. I can’t imagine how lonelier life can get for some people. I am only lonely for a very literal reason, I am far away from home. The old man never moved, he is exactly in the same place where he was born and raised, where he and his friends and family lived, but how much do people understand about being alone? about being lonely?